Glimmers and Heart Smiles

The human brain seeks and recognizes patterns in our every day lives. Part of our survival instincts drive our brains to automatically see the negative patterns. Learning to recognize the beauty in every day life is starting to be recognized as a way to stimulate the polyvagal system, and it helps our brains to begin seeking the positive on a regular basis. Whisper and Jemima talk about polyvagal theory and the benefits of looking for the glimmers, the things that make your heart smile. Plus a few side stories and customary silliness. 

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   I was always one of those people people, like, I didn't understand like how a cat could have a whole bunch of different names. Have you met those people?

They're just like his name is, Peter. But we call him and then they have three different, four different things that they call him. Yeah. The one cat  that was mine  he was a kitten and his name was Treble. She named him Treble. Cuz it sounds like trouble.

I guess she thought it was cute, but it was like one of those names that just didn't, I was like, that doesn't even roll off the tongue, like treble. And so he eventually became Panda, but. This girl, first of all, we had such a hard time naming her cuz everybody had a different opinion about what her name should be, right?

, my son Kenny, was very stuck for a while on Dolly. And so he was calling her Dolly for a long time. And then I finally settled on Tanzie, right? I wanted to call her Tanzi because of her eyes and my favorite color tan in my favorite jammed tanzanite.

But   My other kid, Luca starts saying about how she reminds her of the little kitten in Aristo Cats. The Tolus, the ones that's always like, right, because she sneezes, because she  has allergies. So she sneezes all the time and she sneezes just like to lose. So  , we tried to lose, which is the right way to say it, but now it's just tlu.

So then I was like it's Tanzi, tlu. And then  Kenny started calling her Lulu because that was easier for him to remember. Instead of tlu, it's Lulu. And I'm like, okay. So now . Kenny's calling her Lulu. And TLU is what.

Comes most commonly. But then, yeah. Two,  days ago  my daughter was watching a TikTok. This teacher was doing gen Z vocab. Cuz he's like, since, since I always getting on you guys about doing your vocab, we're gonna start doing  a series of my vocab, which is Gen Z vocab.

And he was going through them and Luca was listening from the bathroom. She was like laughing. Did you hear her?

She's awful noisy over there. But that was her little sneeze. That's cute. And so apparently , gen Z has a word for when you call somebody delusional, which is Del Lulu. Like  Instead of saying crazy, or instead of saying,  the R word .

And so there's De Lulu and there's Riri, which is shortened version of the R word. And I was like then it's the you're doing the same thing then, aren't you? But anyways so Luca was like that is what we need to call her as is De Lulu. That should be her name.

So now she's Tanzi.

And we're just gonna have their own name for her. I think Del Lulu's gonna stick though. Del Lulu is a little, it doesn't it? Yeah. A little. And she's, pretty crazy. Yeah. She's a delusional about her abilities. Cause she's oh, if I can get that fish out of the screen, if I try hard enough she's gonna be the cat.

If I could get it on video, where she's oh look, there's something in the sky. And then she tries to jump for it and it's goes falling out. Yeah. That'll be her. So yeah, maybes gonna stick because TLU is cute, but also After a while it's a little bit annoying  she got a long name. 

That's funny. I love her though. Of course she's adorable. She's really sweet. She is really sweet too. And  my favorite thing about her is  cuz she doesn't come to me when she wants to cuddle, , I don't think she even realizes it if she wants to cuddle, but it's when she's tired and she wants to sleep and she comes and she like she bites my lip and bites my nose, like this super soft bite.

And that's her little oh, still no nipple. Mom goes to sleep.

Oh my God. That's cute. But yeah she's also growing really fast, which is so weird.  It's like having a little toddler around the house. Like everything. Yeah. Yeah. Kittens tend to be very explorative

and I'm doing my best, but somehow  it feels like every time I turn around, she's found something to try to eat. Plastic, wood, paper. It doesn't matter. She's gonna try and eat it. , like, I don't know, gone. It's kind of cute sometimes with That, the pet. Very noise, oh, that's my, that's why my ring tone. Oh, Tinkerbell. That's what I thought. It sounded like a little magical fairy dust, but Tim was like, it sounds like a slot machine.

Oh my lord.

That's like a whole man versus woman thing right there. I'm like, oh, Tinkerbell slump. Exactly. Yep. Very much. Not the same. Tinkerbell was always like my favorite. I was never a princess. K like girl wouldn't with the no handful of Disney cartoons that we saw, or that I knew of. No, but Tink, she was like,  that's me, that's my girl.

. Cause anyone was tink, little messed up. Little jealous little.

Yeah. I think Peter Penn was a very relatable story for us overall. I know for me, I still feel attracted to it.  Because we're like kids that never got to be kids. 

Yeah. Definitely our story. 

Welcome to the magical Peter Pan Ferry and Catland of Butterflies and Bravery.

How's that? That was perfect. That was perfect. We have tinker One and Tinker Two instead of thing one and two. Tinker One and Tinker two. 



Oh yeah. Anyways, welcome Evan. Welcome. Yes. We're just chit chatting and having some moments with our animals and the things that make us happy. Yeah, Oh, I  wanna say one,, like extra note , is that sometimes when I talk about things that have happened, like I mentioned, this experience happened or that experience happened especially when it has to do with our past, like something  from quite a long time ago.

I just wanted to make sure that, everybody knows that those things that we talk about are just our memories and  we're not  saying that this is how it happened. We're saying is that, this is how it happened for me, this is how it happened for us, yeah. And of course,, if anybody ever has any issue with the things that we say or stories that we tell, and wanna be like, oh yeah, you got that really wrong, please feel free.

We are always open to hearing about that, yep.

 You own your own perspective. Yeah. Nobody can say that. That's not how we experienced it, and that's not how it happened. Maybe that's not how it happened for them, but that's how it happened for us.

   Put your thumb out and close one eye and then close the other eye and you'll see a whole different story in front of you. And that's perspective. It's like your side of the story could have been, you could have been the one that was being favored and I could have been the one that wasn't.

Or I could have been the ones being favored and you could have been the one that wasn't. So the scenario's gonna play out completely differently it's actually a really big deal for us born ins. In such a close community, like the children of God were because.

Your loving parent that you perceive as being so loving might have been my abuser or, or somebody that, like some uncle or auntie that was so nice that I remember being so nice. Yeah. Oh, they were one of the quote unquote kind ones. They were one of the quote unquote better ones was over here.

Like somebody else's nightmare. Yeah. And we have to leave space for both of those things , they don't cancel each other out. Though both of those things can be, they might have been Yes. The a kind one to you, but a nightmare , to someone else.

Yeah. And especially with some of the shit that we went through and some of the shit that happened to us. I'm particularly thinking about, we were talking about in our health when we talked about health. That the last health episode, and I was talking about this, the memory about an auntie that, that lost their baby, and that was, I'm a thousand percent sure that story is not gonna  be the same to anyone else that was involved, probably, especially not to her or her family members, but it was how I experienced it, and it was what was traumatizing for me.

And so it's not like we're trying to take someone's story or, I remember talking about something that happened, a while ago that had traumatized me , and I got some big pushback online about it. They were like like you have no right to talk about that.

That wasn't your family, blah, blah, blah. And I was like I do have a right to talk about it because I was sitting in the fucking audience. And that traumatized me to such a degree that still to this day, I think about it and it fucking hurts me. But yes, it's not the same perspective that you had of it,  it's not the same experience, it's not the same memory and it's not the same trauma, but it still is, like you said, own our, you know, like own our perspective and own our experiences.

So that's really important in our place, I think of such a closed community. Yeah. Whereas our experience just, they just overlap all the time. Yep. And you might have loved, you know, uncle so-and-so, or auntie so-and-so, but , that doesn't mean that they didn't abuse or hurt or cause a problem, with someone else  nobody's all bad and nobody's all good. No, the best people do. Do bad things too.  Unfortunately, We definitely own our own perspective  but    Our truth can coexist with yours.   Last night was, and I were talking about what we wanted to talk about on the podcast, and it was actually something that we had brought up a long time ago, was talking about this thing called glimmers.

And so then whisper, what was that deck of cards that you had just for pulled? You tell I have a polyvagal card deck, which is like exercises and tips for, as it says here, practices for calm and change, which those don't always, two, two things don't always go together. No. As we established that a few episodes ago, right?

Growth is chaos and, yeah.   The woman who wrote about the glimmers is the one who made these card, these prompt cards. And I pulled them open and there's five different sections of the cards and I just cracked the deck.

And the first one on top was glimmers.  Some people might not know what the polyvagal theory is.

Yeah, that's true. , I was actually thinking that too. Apparently it's a newer sort of not newer thing, but newer, like coming out into the how much benefit you can have by stimulating that system.

Yes. And it is still called a theory because it's still technically a theory. There's only so much that you can do to prove whether something is one way or another, but there are definitely concepts behind it that has a lot to do with your somatic experience.

And that's,  a very accepted But also still a theory technically in the mental health industry. May is a mental health awareness month. So the polyvagal theory is essentially, let me see where it has here. The auto autonomic, do you see autonomic or auto autonomic auto, I don't know, uhoh for the first time, neither of us are sure about the pronunciation award.

Thought that was my gig.

So the autonomic  nervous system not only controls our vital body functions, but it's also at the heart of our daily experience. It's essentially, your nervous system is really what it is. And. Anyone that has gone through the experience of trauma, especially if it, long-term trauma that is what directly affects your nervous system.

That's where the somatic healing comes through. It's all through your nervous system. The polyvagal theory was developed by Dr. Steven POEs Pkz, and he conceptualized or reconceptualized how the vagus nerve works. He identified a ventral vagal branch that supports regulation and a dorsal vagal branch that triggers immobilization and disconnection.

This updated understanding of the autonomic nervous system outlines three response pathways, a sympathetic, which is fight and flight dorsal. Which is shut down and collapse and ventral regulation. So fight and flight, shut down and collapse, and then ventral. When we are anchored in regulation, when our nervous system is regulated, we move through our days with a sense of safety and successfully meet the ordinary challenges of life.

 That's it a bit in a nutshell. When I was listening to some podcasts about it , Dr. Steven POEs described it as  it's like your alarm system. Your nervous system is like your alarm system. It's the way you conceptualize the world around you, and it tells you how to respond.

So the three states that he identified was ventral, which is at the top. Of the autonomic hierarchy, and it's the system of connection. The ventral state is essential for health and wellbeing in this state. We feel grounded, organized, and ready to meet the day or life. Life feels manageable. We see options, have hope, and hear new stories.

We connect to ourselves, to others in the world around us and to spirit. We are regulated and ready to engage or soul, I guess it's not spirit that's a triggering word, spirit isn't it? A little bit, yeah, a little bit. I like soul. Yeah. So this isn't necessarily saying happy or sad, it's connection.

It's you can be sad and. Still be in a eventual state because you're open, you're receptive, you're, hopeful. The sympathetic which is down one set on the hierarchy is a system of mobilization in its everyday function. It helps regulate heart and breath rhythms, and brings us energy to move through the day in its survival role, it activates pathways of fight and flight and pulls us into anger and anxiety when it's trying to survive.

Dorsal is at the bottom of the hierarchy in its everyday role. It regulates digestion and brings nutrients to nourish us. When active in a survival role, it becomes a system of shutdown. We feel drained without enough energy to engage with the world. We collapse, disconnect and disappear. So those are the three essential states behind the polyvagal theory and.

We need all three states to serve. To live. , each one of those three states in our nervous system are very important to regulate different systems  autonomic processing.  The woman, she's a therapist who wrote about polyvagal theory 

she described it as

trauma, can make it difficult to move between the states. You get stuck in the state and that's where it becomes problematic is when you're stuck in the state. Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Why? Sometimes like when you're struggling with anxiety or struggling with depression or some other negative, emotional space, and no matter how much , you're trying to convince your brain that you don't need to be here or there's no reason to be here, you're still there , because it's your nervous system that's putting you there, has nothing to do , with the voices in your head necessarily, right?

. Essentially one of the ways to help with mental health is to practice moving in between the states when you need to, and that's what this carb deck goes is like, is ideas and.

Prompts and tips to move in and out of that, but glimmers in particularly in particular. I remember when I first read about glimmers, I was like, wait a second. What? Yeah. So GLI glimmers is part of the of the ventral system, which is the top right of the hierarchy. This is when you're open, when you're connected.

So glimmers, the concept of glimmers is they are the micro moments of ventral experience that routinely appear in everyday life, yet frequently go unnoticed. A glimmer could be seen, a friendly face hearing a soothing sound, or noticing something in the environment that makes you smile. Glimmers are easily overlooked because the human brain is wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones.

But once we learn to notice glimmers, we find they are all around us and we begin to look for more. It's funny, cuz I, long before I heard about glimmers  one of the buckets in my Pinterest, I have, it's called things that make my heart smile. And I think that's a good description for me of what a glimmer feels like.

It's like my heart. It's a heart smile. Yeah. So the prompts in this card is to identify glimmer cues. What happens in your body that lets you know you are in a glimmer moment? What do you feel, think or do, use your cues to recognize glimmers as you move through your day. Survey your environment and intentionally look for glimmers, identify the places and times where glimmers routinely appear and make a habit of returning.

Set an intention to be open to finding unexpected glimmers.

Love that. Yeah. So you can, make a journal or whatever  makes sense for you. I like having the word glimmer because it, it puts a name, I think to, to some of the things that we've even talked about before, even on our podcast. Like celebrating yourself, all the little things.

Yes. I remember when I was, , it was probably early on in our podcast and I was, Saying how the, one of the biggest turning points in my life, in my mental health life and in my healing was when I learned to celebrate the little things, celebrate the little victories or, the little things that I saw myself changing or growing.

And I think that's a version of a glimmer too, is just to be like, oh, look at that. Yeah. I, I woke up this morning and , my first thought wasn't like, how am I gonna stub my toe today? That kind of thing. I like that.   I feel like a good way to describe it as like a prism hanging in your window and casting those little tiny rainbows.

Yeah. All over your room.  Everybody has that prism hanging in their life, but sometimes we're not looking at the rainbows. We're looking at what's behind the rainbows. And you're like, Ugh, this is gross. But then you're like, wait a second. There's . That one little rainbow there.

 We were doing a writing exercise with Drew and she said

When you identify things that you genuinely love, not because someone told you to love it, not because you saw someone else loving it. Something that genuinely resonates with you. those are the moments when you are fully yourself.  Like in my case,, as I said, a heart smile like that.

I feel in my body, that's the closest you become to being yourself. And I think that is a, it's a little simplistic, but it's also a little true when you look at it in that sense, because you're identifying the things that bring you to life. And what more can you want? Essentially what we're trying to do is live right.

And live fully. Yes, it's true that , the human brain, human nature is wired to pay more attention to negative events. But what it's also wired for is pattern recognition. Which is why when you're pregnant, all of a sudden everyone else is pregnant too.

Or , when you just get a Prius, everybody else has a Prius, right? 11, 11, those kind of things. Yeah. Your brain is wired to recognize patterns, and when you first identify something, then you're gonna start recognizing it more and more. And that's a scientific proven , I'm not talking about law of attraction.

I'm not talking about  manifestation or anything like that. That is a scientific truth, that your brain picks up patterns. So when you start looking for glimmers, or you start listing glimmers, or you start identifying the things in your life that are a glimmer, you are gonna start seeing them more.

They are gonna start coming back and. That's gonna bring more and more regulation into your nervous system. And there also are, there are a way to move in between the states , like we were talking about before,  when you get stuck in a state, especially if it's, one of the lower hierarchies  whether it's a fight or flight or the collapse state or the immobile states, sometimes all it takes is just a little moment, a glimmer to move you out of that and put you back into okay, I can breathe.

Everything's gonna be okay. And pull that along with you. Mike climbers I feel like a lot of them live in this, in the sky. For some reason, the things I like, I really feel inside me, are like the sunrises and the sunsets and the moon and , being able to see the Milky way in, in the middle of the night or com or rainbow lightning, oh my god, love lightning.

Like those are the things that just like for some reason they really responded like, I feel those in my body, but I know there's more. What about you puppy kisses? That's true. And kitten kisses. Yeah. It's just the most innocent sweetest, like they're just gushing with love for you. To me, that's yes, the most innocent feeling in the world 

yeah. Just because they're like abandoning, just loving you, and , they're so excited about it. I feel like  anybody that doesn't like animals is probably a psychopath, just saying, doesn't have to be a furry one, but No. Any anybody that's Ew, I don't like animals.

I'm like, you're pretty suss then because who doesn't like feeling affection from another creature? Even if it's a, like a bearded dragon or something? Yeah, that's fine. They're actually very affectionate. My spirited dragon was, would like literally hug you. Yeah. Put his arms out and hug you, hug your chest.

I thought it was amazing. Cause I was like, okay, I didn't know lizards did that. No, absolutely. That's actually even snakes and all of that. They'll show you that. They'll show you that they love you, maybe by squeezing the life out of you. But no,

  We've been a reptile family, , we've had reptiles, we've had snakes and spiders.

 We had a couple corn snakes and Yeah. Super harmless snakes, like those don't freak me out.  One of the snake got out one time  actually the snake got out a few different times, but one time it got out and it was gone for two weeks.

Yeah. And I was like, it must have gotten out. Like somebody left the door cracked or somehow it was not in the house. I was sure I. One night my son Kenny comes out and he hands me  his pillowcase . And I looked inside the pillowcase and the snakes in his pillowcase. I was like, what the hell?

What the fuck? And he was like, yeah, like I laid down like pillow. And then it was like moving.

That's so

most I think I'm posted about it and a whole bunch of people are like, Nope. That's when you burn the house down. No, it's just a snake. If it was a spider, yeah, definitely burn the house down. But he, that, that does it, the spider as much as I would was, I can appreciate. Especially Tarula, which is what we had.

She's beautiful. They're beautiful. It can be really beautiful, but no, I do not wanna hold it. And no, I do not want to think about that. Getting loose. Yeah. That would like freak, freak me out. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. Little bit. Just the crawly, the crawling things, right?

They're just like, yeah. Too many legs. Too many legs. That's what I always say. Just too many fucking legs, bro. He's got too many fucking legs,  Also other glimmers to me though are like even just  having the perfect cup of coffee or seeing the clouds.

Like yesterday when we were driving the clouds look like they have this kind of purple lining under them.  The scenery, I live where people vacation. And I love it. But, every day when I go out, I make a point of being like, okay this is beautiful.

That's beautiful. It is beautiful. So it's not hard, but yeah. But I always look at the trees and the sky and the river and then and the hills. And I always find, try to find beauty in everything that I see. Yeah. It's hard sometimes when you're really feeling negative, but it can really bring you out of a  negative state.

Two, it's like tiny little baby steps, yes. The glimmers are just like one little speck of rainbow. That's  bringing you closer to that full rainbow of happiness. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And it doesn't even necessarily have to.

Bring you completely out. Like you can still be stuck in your state. Yeah. But it's okay, a moment of breathing deeper is sometimes, it's still worth it. It's still worth it to look for those  because that helps. It's like when you're playing a video game, and you go and find the little.

Secret jewels that power you up, but you really gotta go look for 'em. And you can play the game 5, 6, 7 times and never find those secret fucking jewels. You know what I mean? And then you'll go back and be playing the level  for the 10th time and be like, oh, hey, I never turned right here. I wonder what's over here.

I always just went that way. And then, oh my God, there's a secret jewel there. Yeah. To me it's like that. Like they've always been there, it's always hidden Mickey's. Yeah. Yes. The little like Pokemons everywhere, you could only see them if you were looking through the app.

It's like that,  you just gotta look through your glimmer eyes because the glimmers are everywhere when you break it down, when you think about it, it's the concept behind for example  a vision board. Yeah, exactly. What else is the vision board? But  a whole bunch of your glimmers. Glimmers, that's right. , whether you're looking forward to them, whether it's just something that brings you happiness, something that makes you smile even just for that moment.

 Finding things that get you moving in between the states . Because.

You've been learning a lot about that actually. We both have with our fucking injuries these last couple months. But movement is such an important thing in our life. And as soon as you stop moving, that's when things go wrong, yep. And that applies to so many ways, and including your mental state and including your, your autonomic system, state, all of those things it really affects it.

 It helped me understand why sometimes when I'm feeling  really restless or yucky, and then I'll just be like, I need to cry. And then I'll listen to a sad song  or. Watch a sad movie or whatever, and just just have a really good try.

And then I'm shifted, and , that's not technically a positive thing, but it has moved my energy and just a movement shifts me and puts me in a place, okay, now I can go do something else. Type of a thing . The immobilization is,  the death trap, I think.

Yeah. In many ways. And that is really what anxiety and depression can feel like, is that Oh yeah. Immobilization. And  I've spent a good portion of my life there. It's not condemning for anybody. It's a very easy to send your life there. And it, there isn't really easy fixes to it.

Yeah. There just isn't , in our support group last night. We were having some conversations about it. And somebody that was new to the group was talking about their, some of their experiences and where they are right now in their healing journey and in their escape journey.

And some of us that have been around for a while, we're giving this person, tips or just stories of yeah, we've been there. , this is a familiar, this is a familiar room for us. And

it's hard to have to tell somebody that it's a long road. That's a really hard message. But for one thing, it's the truth. Like we, we look for easy fixes. We want easy fixes. And there just really isn't an easy fix when it comes to trauma and, mental health, depression, anxiety, and some of the things that we deal with.



 It felt really wonderful to be able to say, Hey kid, we got you. We've been there. You're among friends, you're among people who know the story and have walked before, or in some cases are still walking that road and we've got, we got you or we got your back.

As good as that can sometimes feel to say to somebody  it's difficult because you don't want somebody to be discouraged, but if you send somebody the message, oh yeah, just do this and it's gonna fix, it's 

 and then when it doesn't just fix it or when it's not so easy, that's way more discouraging for someone. That's way, way more disheartening for someone than telling them, Hey, it's gonna be a long fight, but keep it up, I was gonna say about the crying thing  crying releases endorphins also.

Yeah. So sometimes I'm just like, oh yes, I know. I'll feel better if I cry

of crying.  The other day we were

I put the season finale of American Idol on, I don't usually watch American Idol cuz the judges are a little much, but there was a Hawaiian guy who was in the competition.  He came on his name is Iam, I A M , which is a really cool name. Iam, he auditioned by singing the song Monsters by James Blunt. If you haven't heard the song,  James Blunt wrote it to his father who was in kidney failure.

And it's essentially a goodbye to his father. The chorus says, I'm not your son. You're not my father. We're just, Two grown men saying goodbye. You know my mistakes, I know your mistakes. We don't have to, it's, so he his dad had signed him up to be on American Idol, but by the time he had gotten on there, his dad had passed away.

Hi. The song was like to his dad and it was just, it was so emotional.   And it would wons viral, the, his audition video went really viral because a lot of people hadn't heard the song, or it was just seeing someone perform it in that way. Like it moved a lot of people and they were like, so many people were writing him and being like, I was finally able to, I.

To more my dad. And, it really helped with all the complicated feelings. And, so of course, like both me and Luca like relate to the complicated feelings about fathers, right? So we, we had the the American Idol f final on  Cause on the finale of American Idol, they bring all these like stars out, like a big music star stars.

One of the people was Jelly Roll. Do you know Jelly Roll? He sings this song, save Me. I think I sent it to you before. Save me for myself. Yeah. Anyway, so he is, he's a, he is a very large guy. He's six, probably six four. And 300 plus pounds probably. He's re he's just a like, big guy.

And his face is completely  he's got the whole like, face completely tattooed. Who's that? Singer, post Malone type tattoos all over his face.   He has done quite a bit of time. Like he had a lot of challenges in his life. He got sober.

Anyways, he has a great story. So he was performing he was performing his song Save Me On There. But then it came time, so the Hawaiian guy comes out Ian, he comes out with James Blunt and they perform this song together. It's called Monsters. Cuz the chorus says it, it's my turn to chase monsters away   the son is saying that to the father.

, and then first the Hawaiian guy starts crying crying, cannot finish, cannot sing, crying. Then James Blunt starts crying, cannot sing, crying, and then it switches over it, it pans over to the kid's mom who's sitting next to Jelly Roll. And both of them are bawling.

And I'm in this huge tattooed, tough guy, just weeping. And I look over at Luke, she's I'll tell who the real is. The person that wrote that fucking song.

Yeah. It was just this ridiculously like weepy moment. Fuck the person that wrote this song. That's funny. Anyway. Yeah. A good cry sometimes really does help.   I find sometimes too that really intense emotions like that laughter, laughing is one of them. Yeah. But crying things like that, like they seem to bring clarity.

after you have a, after you do a bout of whatever it might be, it just feels like there's more clarity. I've, my least practiced emotion is anger, but I know that it can be really healing. I hope, hopefully no. Local law enforcement is listening to this. But in my old apartment we lived right next to this big canyon, and it had, they had these huge drain cement drain ditches that a lot of times the, they, nobody was supposed to be in this area.

It was like it was fenced off, but the skaters had cut the fence and they would sneak in the fence and skateboard in this, in, in these drains. So one time things had gotten so bad and I, it, I was in a really bad suicidal state, and this was when I had all the kids living with me, my four kids, and then the five homeless kids and.

We had a lot of beer bottles that we were keeping for recycling and stuff. So one night I was just like I didn't know I was scared about what I would do, so I just picked up the whole box of all these bottles and I went out back and went into the canyon and just started throwing bottles. It like, I'd never done anything like that dramatically, just like physically like tossing bottles.

And it was so relieving. It was re it was crazy relieving. I know I've done it screaming, punching things like, like there, there is a physical release for sure, but Oh yeah. I've never purged in that way. Like I probably smashed like 30 bottles. I did go and clean it up because of course, you don't want to sleep broken glass where kids are gonna play.

But it was very helpful. Yeah. I broke a whole bunch of dishes in my kitchen once. Oh, did you? In your kitchen. Nice. Oh yeah. I just started throwing 'em against the wall. I was pissed. I don't know. That was one of the good things about my recovery, I think, is I've I don't know. I was angry.

I've been angry for a long fucking time and I've started to show my anger a long time ago, like right after I left. I kicked a hole in the wall. Yeah. I think actually meeting, cuz Tim was extremely angry when I met him. Yeah. That helped me to be angry too, because at first I was just, I would just sit there and just do nothing.

But then I was like, Hey, wait a minute. If you can be angry, then I can be angry too. So I was like, unleash the demons. Yeah. So I would break shit and punch shit and do all kinds of terrible things. Yeah. I threw, I broke probably 20, 20 or 30 dishes. I broke every dish in my cupboard, I think at least one cupboard.

I just started flinging 'em against the wall and just broke 'em all. It doesn't really help though. It helps for a minute, like getting that anger out. It's almost like a pressure release off a Yeah. Pressure cooker. But the pressure's still in the pressure cooker. Like it's not, I don't feel like, it's I don't feel like it was very good solution for me because the more angry I was, the more angry I got.

Oh. Yeah. Like I just got into that state Oh. Anger and I couldn't get out of it. Everything would just make me angry, super angry to where I just wanted to punch and hurt people and yeah. Scream and yell all the time. I think cuz I like I, like I said, that's one of the har mo the hardest emotions for me to express.

I probably, cuz I'm like, I fawn is mainly where I go with my fight or flight response is usually fawn. For me that did actually really help. It took me out of my, my societal ideation. Yeah. So in that case it, it did, but you're right. It's not a solution in the sense I was like, okay, now I'm gonna, like every month I'm gonna go out and break walls bottle.

I was like, new therapy. No, that, not that. But I do remember when I did the a and e documentary one of the, one of the ex-member, one of the, sorry, not ex-members, one of the born ins that wasn't in the documentary was talking to was talking to me. And I was asking, cuz they they're at the, that time, like I was still struggling with a lot of things.

I just remember and in my mind they were so much like farther down the healing road than I was. And I was like, what is the secret? Like I was, I had that conversation like, what's your secret? Tell me. And and they said, anger, When they finally were able to really get angry about what happened to them and what was done to them, that's when they were, it started to shift them out of that, like, why me into, fuck them, type of thing.

Because once you're like, fuck them for what they did, I'm not gonna let it change who I am, or I'm gonna get out of this place that they tried to put me into, or whatever that emotion is. It's so much more healthy than the whole, like, why did this happen to me? Why does this happen to me? Cuz that put, you're not going anywhere when you're there in that place.

So I just thought that was really interesting when she was like, immediately she was like, anger. Yep. Really angry. I was like, okay. It's funny, it's, I think it's just different for different people, like I think anger is a really big thing for people that have never had the ability to be angry.

But for someone like me, like I've been angry ever since I was a fucking child. I remember being a kid and like breaking stuff and throwing shit. So I think for me that was more part of the problem than the solution. I've been an angry person for a long time. Long time. And I've had the ability to get angry for a long time too.

But, yeah, for, I do agree though, for some, for, I've seen, I've met actually a lot of people that was the one thing that really helped them is when they could finally be angry about it. Yeah. It's interesting how. We're all just different. Like one man's medicine is another man's poison type of thing. Yeah. Because some people are just super, super angry and that's all they've ever been is angry, like just angry at everybody. Yeah. And they have to learn how to like, bring it down a little bit. Yeah. I think some of it is my for me, like some of it is not just that, like trauma or trauma response.

For me it's, some of it is, I think my personality, I'm just, I'm a little bit more gentle in that you are, yes. You're a little bit more timid to express yourself. That, yes, that I know is a no response though. Yeah. But whereas me, I'm just like, ah, you're gonna listen to me or just leave because I'm still gonna talk.

See. And that's why I like people love you like, they don't have to wonder what you're thinking. Like me, never, like I don't know about her. She's just too quiet now. Yeah, sometimes I do. I do wonder what you're thinking. You're very cryptic. You and Tim are both very cryptic.

Like you can never really tell what's going on under there. I think. I think sometimes it's because like I want to be really sure. Yeah. About what I'm thinking about something before I like verbalize it, which is I. Yeah, because you go back and forth a lot. You like to check all the weights and balances and see all the sides and make sure you have a full picture in your head.

No, I don't have voices. I have a full like debate team, yeah. You're very 3d. Some people are super 2d, they'll just see like part of the picture and they'll make all these assumptions and calculations based on that. You're like, no, I gotta have the whole 3d and then I'll start my assuming and calculating.

Yeah. But  unfortunately, a lot of people do sometimes assume that when  someone is quiet that they're judgemental and I'm not. I'm like super not judgmental, but I learned, I remember the first time  I found out , how my quietness was sometimes read by people.

Because it was somebody in  Thailand and they were like a very, they're a very good artist in my opinion. They were very good artists and I felt like, I like paled in comparison. And this was back when we were having the, what did they call them? The brooms umbrellas meetings where they would put somebody up in front and people would just say whatever they fucking thought about you, like all the bad things.

And so I was up there a couple different times, but the one time I do remember when this person like stood up and said that how I would stand and watch them draw and just judge them. And I was like, holy shit. I was, I. Would, anytime I would watch them draw, it was like I was in awe. I was just like in awe of their talent.

And I was like, oof. I don't know, maybe I have a really bad resting bitch face or something in my silence. I obviously like it's stuck in my head and it's still there to this day. Like I felt so bad that I would give that impression off, but that still didn't help me learn to express myself better, yeah. I think another thing also tying in with the polyvagal thing is any kind of sound that you're making, We'll stimulate that system. So if you're yelling or you're groaning, or you're humming, or you're chanting, or you're singing, any of those things is stimulating that whole vagal system that's one of the reasons why like singing can bring kind of peace to your mind because it's not just what the music does to your mind, but it's what the effects of the reverberations of your voice does in your actual body. So I think that's another reason why anger can sometimes possibly help people is because they'll start like yelling, ah, fuck you. And even that it's gonna stimulate your vagal system and because it's still sound and Yeah. So that could possibly be like,  one of the reasons why that really helps people that are a little bit more quiet, like anger is a big thing because somebody liked me that's always yelling and screaming, but then someone that's more quiet like you to yell and scream is a big differentiation in your system.

Yeah. And your body probably feels the whole release type of a type of thing. And then does that make sense? Oh yeah. Absolutely. It's, and it's I'm sure that's what's behind the reasons why swearing act, people that swear actually have better emotional regulation than people who don't.

Yeah. Cuz you're letting out little bits of emotion with those words. Yeah. Yeah. It's here. Absolutely. Yeah.  I did a self-defense training for several weeks, and it was the first time I ever did any of that, any type of typo, TaeKwonDo type of thing. And that was the hardest thing for me to do, was the noises it was so hard for me to do the noises.

I've, I know that I have a lot of things with my voice. Like I just, I keep things in that way, but I always wondered why they make the noise. I was like, what the why you can kick without making the noise. I would al that was always in my mind, but when they were like, no, you it helps direct the energy and actually you kick harder.

Or you swing harder or whatever it is, yep. And he's like having a baby. Yeah. You screamed. I was like, yeah, true. That's true. Yeah. Exactly. Though, it's very true. It helps, it really helps to direct the energy. Yeah. Directs and a doctor or midwife would be like, I want you to, I want you to push.

Yep. Yeah. Exactly. That's why I did the George of the Jungle when I was having my baby. Remember. That had to have gone down as one of the wild, wildest births in that center. I'm pretty sure they'll remember that. Oh yeah. I remember those too. Actually, that was one time where I got, I have a hard time using my voice for myself, but I can use it for other people. That was one that I was actually even surprised.

Remember I got so pissed off at the doctor? Yeah. I just ripped her a new one. You yelled at the lady. She's not scared of having, she's not scared of having a water break. She's scared of having a baby. You dummy

in the bathroom and trying to explain to you how the water bag was getting broken. I was just like, What the, I was like, she's not, first of all, she's not an idiot. Second all. I was like, no. She's fucking afraid of I was so idiot. Yeah. You're all rubbing my back. It's okay. It's okay. You're stupid.

I was like, get the fuck outta my bathroom. Yeah, you were very authoritative with her.

That's funny. , maybe we always come to the defense of ourselves as readily as we come to the defense of others. Absolutely. Yes. Do that. That can be part of our mantra. Yes.

So keep an eye out for glimmers, is the. Is the point. That's the, today's the takeaway and that's the takeaway. It makes a difference. It really does. It really does. It does. It's worth it. Especially after you actually start making, taking note of what really, of what you react to.

Like you, yourself what you react to whether you write it down or just, keep, some kind of note of it. You can come back to that when you need to. That's a really good point. I remember how that made me feel. I think that's a good point because a lot of us that don't know how to love ourselves and we don't know what we love and we don't know what brings us to life.

We don't even know who we are. Like taking note of things like that. I think is a really good idea because it's easy to forget what makes you tick, but then when you're down, you can go back and be like, okay, I remember how happy, going to that rage room and throwing the dishes made me feel.

So let's go and do that again. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. They do have those rage rooms now. A lot of places, .    they opened one in downtown San Diego, but it closed pretty quickly because it was like they tried to make it a drinking end. That's a bad plan, Adrian plan, which, yeah, so I dunno how they got away with opening it, but probably it was like within the first six months or something like that, like all of a sudden it closed and somebody this did a virtual one, just put you in a room with nothing except for a VR thing and you get like a bat or whatever. Or you don't even, it's just VR to pick up your VR bats, start breaking shit. A VR readthrough. I wonder those That would be, That, that would be great. Just download it on your thing and, pick your weapon. You can have an ax and you can chop up dead cows.

Or maybe we should do that. Like instead of ha instead of having a support group, every, have a rage room. Every se every second Wednesday, let's have a virtual rage room. Anybody got a vr? Come on in, break it up together. I like that. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. The one that they opened in, the one that they had to close they, you could actually, so you could buy packages that was just, like the basic smash shit up.

Or you could actually send like images to them ahead of time and they would print pictures on the dishes. That's cool. Can you imagine if we had a bunch of dishes of burg and Zerbe. Just go. That would feel really good. Actually. Smash up some plates with Zerbe fucking face on it. Or sex dolls.

Oh, the Twisted Minds. And I got my owl through shit outta this. Oh my gosh.

Oh, good Lord. Yes. So look for the glimmers. Look for the glimmers

or the dishes or No, we are not encouraging violence. No. But non violence, 

all right stay brave. Look for the glimmers. Yep. And always remember that every caterpillar comes a butterfly in there. Gli moment.

I love it. That's. 

 



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