The Body Hides the Score

Health issues are becoming more common as the born-into-a-cult groups get older, and many of us struggle to know how to approach self care after being raised like robot soldiers with zero regard for our selves. 

In this episode Whisper and Jemima talk about the importance of listening to our bodies and asking for help before it's too late, and how hiding the trauma in our brains could cause the same effect in our bodies. 

Transcript

 Welcome everyone to butterflies and bravery. Thank you so much for being with us. I am as always, at your service, your host, whisper, and my lovely co-host, Jemima. We are. Here in spite of everything, we're both slightly crippled,

but we're here. Yeah.

 What you doing?  I was trying to find if I had taken pictures of the snow, but I didn't. Oh,  it was literally snowing  just a couple days ago. I'm not even joking cuz the hills around here get, all white should've taken a picture. Those kind of swings in, the temperature like that can make you sick cuz , it's like your body can't react it. Yep. I usually get sick  every spring and every fall. Of course, since I've been quarantined to my house, I haven't been a lot of sicknesses. I've been quite healthy. Who would've funk? It's funny how that isn't, stay home, don't talk to anybody or touch anything and I'm fine.

, when we were going through the pandemic everybody was focused of course on,  the covid numbers and everything like that.  And, there was the constant debate about masks . But if you looked  at the months and the times when we had mask mandates in place,, although the covid numbers were, an issue.

 The sicknesses in the other areas like respiratory infections, flu, cold, all that, just took a dive, which is interesting, 

to me, I'm looking at those numbers and I was like there's my argument to continue to wear masks because yikes.  We're more used to it because of growing up in Asia, everybody wears masks over there, Yeah, I was gonna say that.

 So to me, wearing a mask when you go out was not, I was like, sure, yeah. This make, makes me happy. Yeah. Anyway. Yep. We're on the right track there talking about health, huh? Yes.

 Both Jemima and I have been having a little bit of problems with our legs. Our one leg, is it your left leg or your right leg? Left leg. Left leg, yep. Mine too. So naturally I blame Jemima whenever  something happens to one of us, it starts happening to the other one.  Jemima's having knee replacement and my leg decided to have sympathy.

Pain. Sciatica, sympathy, pain or something. I just think it's funny that they couldn't find a reason. Like usually if you have sciatica, there's something's wrong with your spine or you've suffered some sort of injury  and the doc, they were like it's sciatica because of the location of the pain it's going.

But  even that wasn't normal because my pain I have is in the front of my leg and in my knee it is not going down the back of my leg like most sciatica. So anyways, it's you know  there's that tribe that lives  somewhere , in Africa.

Remember we saw that documentary when we were kids about , how the men get when the women get pregnant. The men do too.  Their whole  belly grows and they have , all those pains, sympathy, pains.  When one person gets sick or something, the other, when we start for no reason, just start having pain.

But, and were you having problems with your shoulder? Yes. Your right shoulder? No, actually my left as well, but both, no just my left one for a little while, but now it's actually fine. Why were you having problems with your shoulder?  My right one's been hurting for no reason. Oh, so I thought maybe it was your fault.

No.

Yes. That is how this works. You're like I'll see your knee surgery and raise you some shoulder pain.

Oh my Lord. We're so silly. You would, You would think being separated  by space   would cause that to stop, but it doesn't seem to be not necessarily as we get older, we're gonna be in more and more trouble, yep. And that's, I think what we're finding out with our bodies.

 All these. Things that we overlooked or did not have the ability to have care for when we were young are catching up to us. See. And that's the thing.  It's so weird , there was  that dichotomy in growing up because they were so keen , on healthy food.

That exercise isn't for eight hours. Yeah.  We could only eat what we could afford. So a lot of times that wasn't great food, but no matter how poor we were, we never went junk food. Like it was all, it was very strict.  I was telling you the story, when we were up in Chiang Mai, and for a month, the three things that we had was kidney beans, eggs and sticky rice.

Those were the three things. That was it. And we would rotate them.  One day we have two meals of beans and one meal of eggs, and then the next day we have two meals of eggs and  and one meal of beans. But God forbid , that we went out and got some cheap sort of junk food to, to get us by.

 They were so keen on that, but then completely against any type of doctor care, any type of healthcare in that way, Good point.  Growing up and going through living that way and,   seeing the outcome of the results of that, 

I was gonna say, I don't think that always came down on us, but actually it did, because, we went through some really horrific childhood diseases times, or even if we weren't getting the childhood diseases, we were like dealing with it in the home,  in the commune.

I just, I remember, especially when whooping cough would go around Yeah. And the babies would get it. Yep. And you'd have to just, it wa it was just, it was night and day terror that this baby that you're taking care of, this little toddler or whatever, was gonna hoop his way into death, yeah. Because it can get that bad.

Oh yeah. I thought one of the babies was gonna die. He was turning blue and everything. Yeah, I was tripping out. It was like the middle of the night too. Yeah. Oh, it's terrifying. And what were we, like 15, 16? Yeah. Maybe 18, but no older than 18. Yeah. And young melting their fingers that, we, yeah.

I was in a room with six babies that had whooping cough and I myself to take care of all of them. Yeah. Until I got sick.

  Because I had been immunized  I wasn't gonna get   the bumps and measles and chickenpox ' . And they knew that, so they put me in all the care rooms, but they didn't realize that the whooping cough was different

there's two different strains. There's east and west. And because I was immunized in the west, but not the east, I still came down with whooping cough yeah. And not just the west and east. Cuz I remember the  kids that had the 10 day measles in India were getting it in Thailand.

Yeah.  I got the 10 day measles and almost went deaf. Yeah. I was crying and screaming in pain so bad that they did finally take me to the doctor. And he said if she doesn't go on antibiotics right now she's going to lose. Like . 80  percent of her hearing. Yep. I think probably everybody was just tired of my screaming and pain that they finally took me.

I remember that.  But it was such an uncommon thing.  To be taken to the doctor. . I'm very grateful that happened, but it was definitely an uncommon thing. And I know because, it was being talked about for a long time.

Yeah.  Isaac that was deaf because his parents did not seek medical care when he had mumps. Yep. When he was a young child too. Yeah. And then of course there was  Zion too.  They like to pick on people that had, any child that was born that was physically impaired in any way. It was completely the fault of the parents.

It's like, what the fuck did you do for God to punish you? , first of all don't go to the doctor and get help for it. But if you get it, then it's your fault. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it,

it's amazing that any of us are as sane as we are because it is, because we live that life of constant,  gaslighting  like a roundabout mirror go round. Like it is your fault, but don't go to the hot doctor, but it's exactly your fault when you're sick. Like what? And what is not.

And God's, you either have to have faith to die, which a lot of people did. Or you have to have faith that God's gonna heal you. And

that whole like having faith for God to heal you . There was some really traumatic deaths Yes. That came from that. I remember very specifically one of the adults, this woman she was really small woman.  She was shorter than me and I'm five six, so she was probably  , five foot or smaller, really tiny woman. And she had a problem with gestational diabetes when she got pregnant, she would get diabetes.

. And that's just something that happens with a body. . It's a natural, it's  a natural thing.  Your body reacts to pregnancy by giving it diabetes. And  Your body reacts  like, wait, I can't understand these hormones.

What's going on? Right? Say Biologically it's fairly common and   She had, you know, 11 pound baby in a tiny little, like five foot frame, and she decided to have the faith for natural childbirth. And , they were in the hospital having the baby, and the doctor was like, you cannot deliver this baby.

You cannot deliver this baby. The baby is too big. You need to have cesarean. And she was like no. Naturally the Lord's gonna do it. The baby got stuck and died of suffocation fucking suffocation. And then, and then the reaction of the leadership was to, you know, somebody wrote a song for her and we all  like prayed and we would pray and cry and everything for this baby that died. And then of course, there was all these prophecies or reasons or letters or whatever about like why it happened and why the Lord let that happen and the Lord took the baby, blah, blah, blah.

And even at that age, I remember it just being like, no, you just, you didn't listen to the doctor and the baby got fucking stuck. It was just horrific for me thinking about that, like this child getting stuck and dying cuz. She refused to have a cesarean section.

 it's like I know I have this,  blood disorder that , that kills my babies, but I'm not going to take the one vaccination that I needed to have to keep the rest of my children that I was gonna continue having safe.

And so the rest of the children that she continued having, every single one of them, they were, there was like tragedy and trauma and anyway so the problem that a lot of us born in second generation,  are facing now , and probably to some degree even the third generation, because of, generational trauma,  a lot of us are starting to have health issues, now we're all getting older.

I know you and I are in the older bunch , there weren't that many, right?  I looked up the year that I was born   into the cult and, and at the time, I think  that year there was like 200 babies born into the cult. That they recorded.

So those of us that were , in the early to mid seventies there's not that many of us, but we are the ones that are going into our fifties and late forties, , and a lot of us are starting to have health issues, yeah. It's not just you and I, but. A lot of us. Yeah. we know from the studies  that's not debatable that childhood trauma, affects your, your health long term  so we've got this whole generation of children born into these cults, grown up with childhood trauma. And it's not just, it's not just the children of God. It's, other cults too that these kids were raised in some really traumatic situations. And , that trauma's been living in our bodies for years and years.

And now that we're getting older, it's just, it's. It's really raising its ugly head, and we're starting to see more health problems. 

 I think the message to our kids and our younger siblings right now is definitely fucking take care of yourself, because we were never taught to take care of ourselves in that way.  Certainly, we had rules, forced upon us based off of what  the leader,  Berg wanted.

We could only use three pieces of toilet paper because that's what Berg used to wipe himself.  There was never a. Here, let me teach you how to love yourself, how to take care of yourself, how to keep yourself in good health.

It was like, no, this is the rule. Because I said, so we had that song, right? Do it cuz Daddy said so because daddy said, that's literally the way  that they raised us. There was not a reason behind it. There was not, purpose or training or teaching.

It was just do it cuz we said so, cause that's what God wants. Cause that's what Berg wants. , so the way that ended up translating into, like our health was we never really processed or learned how to, take care of ourselves, listen to our bodies, listen to when we're hurt.

Some of that, even if we did listen to our bodies, like I don't know, do you remember when , when we were playing volleyball and I cracked my ankle? I went down on my ankle and I heard it crack. And they were all like no, it's just a sprain. It's just a sprain.

And I couldn't walk on that for almost four months. I was on crutches for four months and I, my, my leg was black and blue all the way up to my knee, and they were like, Nope. Just a sprain. Refused to take me to the doctor. Yeah, sure. My, 18 year old self. Eventually, I could walk on my foot again and , I kept it wrapped and everything like that,  and I stayed off of it, but it's ridiculous that an injury like that  I was never taken to the doctor for that.

Never taken to the hospital. And that's a small. Example like that. I'm not the only one  like, every single one of us probably has a few stories like that of something really serious or just at least not even just really serious, but just like somewhat normal. Breaking a bone is normal.

You can go to the doc, go to the doctor for breaking a bone, but when you are a child or a teen and the message is that you don't even know need, even if you break a bone, we're not gonna take you to the doctor. That's, you're processing that , in your psychic makeup of, okay, I'm just supposed to suffer through this.

, I think, what so many of us did with some of our early health issues, that now that we're older and , our bodies are old. They're breaking down they're coming up with ways to be mad at us. And , it's really hard to know how to take care of ourselves and know how to look out for ourselves and know how to listen to our bodies because we were never taught how to No.

And so we're over here and, going into our fifties, stumbling around trying to figure out  how do I take care of myself now? When do I go to the doctor? When do I , ask for help? All those things. It's a huge struggle. Yeah. Huge struggle. .

, I've been having this pain in my leg and I haven't even been able to walk. It's gone better this last week. Like now I can actually Walk around a little bit before it starts to just scream at me.

But I was like immobile.  I was crawling to the bathroom for quite a while. And even at that level, like I didn't tell my boss. , like I didn't tell anybody that I was in this kind of pain because we were having this big fundraiser and I was like I don't want my boss to have to worry about, my sickness, my, my struggles.

She's got enough to worry about, completely discounting. Okay, whisper, but what about you? And that, that was just like my approach. But 

when we finally had the fundraiser and she saw me and she was like, how are you? Why are you not walking?

Like, why you hobbling around? You never told me this. And I said that to her. I said You had so much going on, and I I didn't want you to worry and everything like that. But the truth of the matter was that was part of it. Yes, that was part of it. And that's what I told her. But also the other part of it was that I was ashamed.

Like I, I still deal with shame when I get something going wrong with my body. Logically I can sit here and say that, no there's nothing shameful about this. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do something, I didn't do anything wrong spiritually or physically,  but I guess the language of , my emotions , is still trained into that.

If you have pain, you're rotten inside. If you have sickness, God is punishing you. It's a punishment. It's a punishment. And.

As we get older and , we're gonna need more care. That's like a dangerous mentality to have, right? , you don't want to bring it up because you're feeling ashamed. You feel like you're being punished, so you're not gonna have a proper care of it.

 Your action is gonna be like, oh, let me take care of this for myself. Your action's gonna be like, how can I fix this so I'm not ashamed anymore? , does that make sense? That's how I,  can I get this so that I don't feel shame anymore about having it or bar until you think you're gonna die.

Yeah, that too, or both.

 That's basically what I did with my knee is I walked on it until I was like, I can't walk anymore. And then I decided to go to a doctor and they're like why didn't you come in 20 years ago? we get so used to neglecting ourselves and our needs, and it's always, oh, my boss needs me, or the work needs me, or what are, what am I gonna do?

What are they gonna do without me? Instead of thinking, what am I gonna do without me? You know that saying, I heard the other day, never put a question mark where God puts a period. You ever heard that saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. , to me, that's just like saying never think critically about anything.

. Yep. Exactly . Don't question God. Don't question God. Don't think critically,  so we were just so programmed to absolutely ignore our own needs. Like when I fell on the mats, I literally fell face first on my face and instead of being like, oh, maybe I should go to the hospital and see if I'm okay, I jumped up, made sure nobody saw me and carried on with what I was doing.

Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, because I was so programmed. I'm sure you're the same way. My first instinct is hide this injury until I can't hide it anymore because I don't wanna get in trouble.  Yeah. And on,  top of it we were also constantly getting messaging about your pain doesn't matter either.

Yeah. There's so much that kind of suck it up, suck. Suck it up. Yeah. So And it was exactly for that reason that, like you ended up spending years and years on something that, in the amount of pain that most people would have, been running to the ER for 20 years ago.

 On a certain level I blame that mentality for the reason that my brother died too. Ah-huh. I did too. Because he was having symptoms, serious symptoms of cancer, but he was so ashamed of being in punishment from God. Yeah. That he didn't tell anyone until, oh, now it's stage four.

Yeah.

It's really wild actually. Again. . I always go back to this like, how are we not more insane than we are? Because

your body getting sick and your body giving, sending you signals and your body sending you, like pain signals is  an extremely natural thing.  And they were always  like God created us to be thus and so, but the, the part that God created of the warnings in your system to tell you to be careful or to tell you that you're sick those are those we don't listen to.

, everything was discounted and dismissed. Yeah. Like when I ruptured my eardrum I was told you probably popped a pimple. That's literally what was told me. And I just wiped the blood off and carried on. And then I didn't even know I had a ruptured ear jump.

I knew that my ear was always weird and like I could hear weird noises in there. And then when I was in that car accident in 2012 and I went to the doctor, he looked in my ear and he's like,  you had a ruptured eardrum, but it's repaired itself.

Then I had a flu or something like a year or two later and it opened it back up again. And ever since it's been. Open. I don't, no, they can't fix it. It, I don't know I what you think? I'm gonna go to the doctor. I can still hear like a little bit out of that ear and all I have to do is suck on my nose every once in a while to get the air pockets out of it.

No big deal. I'm fine. Let's see. Yeah, those are the kinda excuses that you make though. I'm 50 years old, I don't even have health insurances.  Our brains are just like, oh, that's not important. That's not important. What's important is other people and other people's needs.

Everything else. Everything else. Yes. Anything except for yourself. We have that little. Cult devil. They're telling us, you don't matter. Why should you go to the hospital? It's probably nothing. And then the, it's more like a mass group of people, right? Like on South Park where the lady has  a little fetus, conjoined fetus lady.

It's like you have a little evil talking something there. It's partially shaking over your face. Yeah. That it's funny though because I've done so much work and I know you have to we've done so much work and a lot of the, the other, born in kids  that we've known, done so much work to untangle it, unwind our, programming in our brains and our belief systems and , all of that.

We we've untangled it on all, we've gotten rid of what needed to get, got, get rid of God, what Jesus.

We've worked really hard to untangle those belief systems and untangle those pro pre-programmed systems. But for some reason that health piece is really stuck. That's one that I don't, I know, that I haven't worked on comes up. I'm like, I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna deal with it.

I don't wanna talk about it. Yeah. And

I think about it for myself. Okay. Whatever, because that's my mentality. But

What I have not done well in my life is think about the way that, that my kids see it. Yeah. Yes.  Because that's what I'm passing onto them Yeah. Is to disregard, disregard their own health in favor of someone else's needs. And.

 It's a really bad thing. Yeah, that's a really bad thing to pass on. A friend of mine said I wonder what it's gonna look like , when all of our trauma that's been living in our body for all these years starts  coming up in our fifties and our sixties. , this whole generation of us is, what's that gonna look like?

It's a little scary to think about that, but, and it is.

How do you how do you untangle that? How do you get rid of that mentality? I don't, I honestly don't know how to work on that.

How do you train yourself to not feel that shame and feel that punishment when you're sick and when you're ill and when you have things, how do you train yourself to not, minimize everything that you're going through and prioritize everything else over yourself. When it comes to health I don't know how to do that.

 To me, ignoring your health is like the  epitome of

disregard for self. So I think the only way to repair that is to work on having more regard for yourself. So see it. Yeah, that's a really good point. So you're saying see it like the self-harm that it actually is? It's a destructive self-harm behavior. Yes. You're not cutting yourself or burning yourself, but in a way you are.

Yeah. Because you're torturing yourself until you cannot absolutely. Stand it anymore. And then being like, okay, I guess I have no other choice. And like in my mind before that was, oh, this is selflessness and this is, , caring about others and this is yada, yada. But no. All that was is do anything and everything to not have to care about Jemima.

And what Jemima's body is feeling, I think it's just a whole nother level of dissociation too, because they're like, I don't know how you walked around on that knee , how did you do that dissociation? Yeah. What else can you chalk it up to?

. And it's only gotten worse and worse and worse. , I think that's just the highest form of self disregard is I'm going to ignore my own health. And I feel like the  solution, viable solution that I see for myself is the whole do it for future you thing.

. Picture yourself at 70 and having to take care of something. It's gonna be a lot harder for you to recover from. It's gonna be a lot harder for you . Do it now. Don't wait until you're limping around and dying until you go into the doctor. Yeah. If you hear something snap in your knee and you can't walk, you should probably go get it checked.

. If you have blood coming out of your ear gem, you should probably go to the doctor. I think sometimes also one of the issues is that we are dealing with is we're, we are like stacking all of us. Because , we lived the first part of our life in a cult coming out.

And basically having to start from, 0.0 to create a life outside of the cult. We have to stack experiences, right? There's so many of us that are trying to, , move ahead in their career while also  taking care of their siblings or their other family members that are their own children and trying to get an education and trying to catch up in this area and trying to catch up in that area.

And  there's all these different ways that we're trying to catch up and it's really easy to just not prioritize your health as one of the things that you need to catch up in. And we do need to catch up in that. Yep.  In on our community, in the children of God born in children of God community.

We've seen some conversations going around about people that are now finally getting their, all their inoculations, getting all their, vaccines. All their vaccines and going through that, imagine you're in your thirties and forties okay, I'm gonna go get all vaccine vaccines because you are not allowed,

 Growing up in the cult. And then there's just a lot of us that are finally coming to that place where, either our jobs are good enough or , our time is wide enough, or, we have the space  in our lives that we can start, looking at our health and taking care of it.

But

, I think it's an important,  piece for. Our younger siblings that are coming out however long they've been out of the cult to prioritize it  because it's not just, we're not talking about prioritizing health from a generalized place.

We're talking about prioritizing health for a traumatized body. A body that , was raised in trauma, that has lived through trauma, prioritizing the health of that body and just by default the trauma. We don't recognize it because that's what we were trained to hide was the trauma. So we're doing that in our bodies too.

Like our bodies hide the trauma because that's what we're trained to do. So whether or not you think that you lived through trauma, you did anyone that was born into a cult and grew up in a cult that was being controlled and trafficked and abused on those levels that, we were all born into trauma.

So that's living in your body, whether or not you see the results of it, whether or not it's,  coming out it's there. And if you think of it in that way, you don't want to just keep putting it off until , you're our age and getting, crippled or, whatever, have, a terrible autoimmune disease or cancer or, just some of those things that come from trauma living in the body.

 Yep.  The body hides the score. . I really do think that's the case with a lot of us, the things that we have to hide, that we've had to hide



Because it the way that we perceive the world around us is what our brain tells us to perceive it, right? Yep. So it just, it follows course that if we are hiding the trauma in our own minds, in our own memories and our own experiences, our bodies are following suit because that's what the brain is telling us to do.

We're, you know, hide it, pretend it's not there. And the brain's like, okay, we'll do that.

We'll just park it all right here. Yeah. And then boom, you have some sort of outbreak. Not quite that. And and also the thing things that sometimes tie into that too is that whole we're not gonna live until, yes. No regard for self again.  The famous cult song, what are you gonna do when you get to be 25?

Yep. That was a song that we song constantly. Yeah. Do you think you'll be happy or you'll even be alive? Yep. Plus all the other ones too. But we really never thought that we would get to be this age.

No. , we were not raised in the mindset of take care of yourself now so that you can take care of yourself later. Like you're not gonna be there later. So don't worry about what's going on right now. That's pretty much Yeah, it, yeah.

I told my case manager for the work injury that I was like, imagine kids being raised as robot soldiers. That's what we were raised as is like robot soldiers that have absolutely no regard for self. . Just follow orders and disregard yourself completely, because you don't matter at all.

What, what were they called in the Mandalorian? The dark. The dark Soldiers. Can't remember it was dark. Something. Oh my god. My brain. But you know what I was talking about right? When they were like, oh we fixed the human element. Exactly. And yeah, they're just the ones that are gonna keep walking forward while everything, everyone's , shooting around them, they're like, yeah, keep going.

That's what, that's exactly what we were trained to do. Like literally. Exactly. Just keep walking into the fire, right?  Let's tell everybody what we got coming up. We got some authors. Yes,

you go. I'm talking too much today.

Oh, that's cute. You have a little bird. Is it a bird? Yeah, it's hummingbird. Oh, okay. That's cute. I like that. Isn't that pretty? It's a little beaded. hummingbird.  . Super cute. I love it. Is that the new style thing? Like glasses, ornaments? I don't know. Or is it just whisper? It's just whisper. Hey, you could start a whole new fad.

Why not? There's those legs just sitting there doing nothing. Could start a Hollywood trend, glasses, decorations, and Yeah. Have all sorts of, you could even have an alien splat thing that's on the side of your face attached to your glasses. And there could be like a wire in it so it could be pulsing.

Okay. There we go.

She's gotta go take it too far again. Yeah. We have some author interviews coming up. We have . Joanna Lloyd Johnson with Silenced in Eden. And then, Not sure exactly when, but we're going to have Ms. Faith Jones. Yes.

Very excited about that. Yeah. Sex Cult Nun . And we're getting closer to D-Day or

ICSA day.  It's. Yeah, COVID died. And we've had a lot of just amazing, wonderful support. We're, getting close to being able to get our tickets. So we really appreciate , everybody that has helped support that. And we're gonna keep trucking along. Probably have a couple fundraisers coming up in the next month, during May.

Couple fundraisers for that. . Hopefully we can make that happen. And we definitely promise for everyone that anyone that donates, that helps in that support that endeavor will definitely be

shit, what's the word? Documenting will be documenting the whole thing. With our little cameras. Make lots of videos and document the whole thing about what, what's going on. So to keep everybody Oh yeah. In the loop, we'll probably be, we talked about having a couple of lives going on lives together  in May.

So yeah, we've got good things coming up. As always. We have more plans and ideas than we have time or space for, but that's probably just gonna always be us

as we finally get to the point where we can be full-time podcasters. We are going to always have more ideas and plans than we can make happen, but hey, that's life, yeah. That's not cool. There is a gigantic spider that just ran across my desk.

Do you know I have a spider killer in my house? No. Is it your cat? What? Is it your cat? No. I killed the spiders. If there's a spider, you're the spider killer. Oh yeah. There's a spider in the house. I get called. , I only do it when it's a matter of life and death.

Like I'm totally alone and it's gonna get me if I don't do it. , and put me in a web and dad for kids, mom, dad. So I just, snakes fine, mice fine. Yeah. Rat. I mean, I just, mm. too many legs on them. Damn spiders. I try to get over it, but there's just too many legs. Yeah. And they're so sneaky.

Yeah. I'm just run around and I'm the same though. Obviously like I, I'm okay with dealing with spiders, snakes, mic, all that. I can deal with blood. The thing I cannot deal with is like rotten food. Oh God. I'm the same way, dude. I can't,  even clean my fridge out, if there's rock food, I make Mikayla do it or Tim do it, or anybody do it.

So I do it. I'm gonna be vomiting everywhere. Yep. Oh my God, I'm the same. Exactly the same, aren't it? That's funny. I can't even smell something off.   If it's even more than four or five days old, I just make somebody else take it outside and put it in the garbage just in case it's stinky.

 I won't go through it. If there's  the vegetable drawer and something in there went rotten. Everything's going in the trash. I'm not, I'm on the floor. No. Nope. Yeah I'm trying. And to this day, no matter how fucking fresh the eggs are to this day, every time I crack an egg, I'm a little bit afraid that I'm gonna, Open a rotten egg.

Oh yeah,  that fear has never gone away How many eggs did we crack though? It's completely illogical. It's completely illogical.  I could take the egg that dropped out of a hen and go try to crack it and I'd still be like, is it gonna be rotten?

Cuz Oh my god. Yeah. Blocks your brain. Just, too many. Too many. How? Dude, there's nothing worse than cracking a rotten egg first thing in the morning. You're off at 5:00 AM and you crack a rotten egg. You're holding fucking ruin. And especially if like you do it onto a plan like start cooking.

Oh no. Oh my god.

It's not a mistake that people associate sulfur with demons because that's what it is. It's fucking demonn voice. I agree. It's the worst Oh my gosh. So too, which has always had old food. We are always like, Yeah. Pick it through the old stuff. Things that people were tossing away and so Yeah.

To gimme any garbage cans, I'll face anything if I don't have to face raw food. Yep. Yep. I would, I'm probably about, yep. That's so funny. Yeah. And I won't eat it if it's expired. I don't care if it's rotten or not. I can't. , I'm  really leery.  Of it really leery.

I'm like, especially things like milk or Yeah, milk and meat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Me, I'm, I worked with so much, like borderline rotten. Do you remember we used to have to like, cut out the offs, cut out the outside when it was green, and then put the middle, and then if it stunk, then we'd knew it was bad.

Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. That's how we were trained to find out if it was rotten or not. Yeah, if you cook it and it doesn't stink, it's fine and we can all eat it. No wonder I cooked steaks to death when I first came back here. I put my dad's put some steaks on the grill and I'm like yeah.

I'll cook them. I can do it. I'm really good at this. How can yes. Extra. Well done. , they kept coming out don't you think those are done? Nope. Uhuh,

of course now I'm like, what the fuck was wrong with me? Ew. But I was so used to just cooking, it might be rotten. So we have to cook it to death in order to make sure that if it is, we're not gonna die. Absolutely. I'll be honest, I still I still will cook ground beef to death.

I can't. Oh no, I cook it to death too. I can't eat any light meat and rare. Any squishy. If it's squishy, it's out. No. Nope, Nope. Way too. So sketchy. That's mystery meat. Oh my God. And I also won't buy the packages that you can't see through, see what's in it. Like we got all these weird hangups.

I was just gonna say, you go on a dating app, like what's your personality? Trauma. Yeah. Right.. All right. We better wrap this puppy up.



 Yes. Thank you everyone for joining us. Keep hanging around. We've got good stuff coming up. And as we always say stay brave and remember that every butterfly was once a caterpillar.

And That's right. We'll also say stay healthy, take care of yourself and you're not being punished. If you get sick or wounded. Yes. And you cannot become a butterfly if you don't take care of yourself when you're a caterpillar.

There you go.