We Even Coordinated Outfits For This Episode

In this episode, a t-shirt that read, "Life leads you down many paths, but my favorite one leads to the mountains" started off the conversation, and it did lead us down many paths. We start in Jamaica,  plus hear updates from  "Aunt Jemima's" life and some exciting possibilities coming her way.  Other paths included understanding others, living with the devastating  after effects of abuse and colonization, pronouns and parents.   We also talk about the resilience and perseverance that it takes to rebuild your life,  and how proud anyone who has done it should be. So, it did lead us to the mountains in the end. 

Transcript

Why are we wearing the same outfit?

this is the shirt I got in Montana with my mom. It's really cute. It says life leads you down many paths, but my favorite one leads to the mountains. That's really cute.  I got it in Montana. That's really cool. I have to ask you about Montana.

What? That, like it was awesome.   It was really fun. It's always nice to go somewhere that you haven't met before, yeah, for sure.  What really struck me the most was how  nice everything was and  I couldn't figure out at first why everything was so nice on that side of the mountain past.

And so not nice.  on that side of the mountain past, and then I realized, oh, it's cuz we're on a reservation. That's why everything is all broken and run down and everything over there is all nice and fancy dancing. I was like, that's fucking ridiculous. There might be other reasons too, but 

, there's quite a few reservations around right where I live and they they have casinos. Yeah. And so when I was driving for a little while, I used to get several calls to go pick somebody up from wherever they were and take them on to the reservation.

And it was always that just what the fuck?  It's  heartbreaking. Yeah. Because I can't look at anything like that and not think what the fuck did we do to them? Yeah. Fuck colonization is like the shittiest worst thing.

Like I just, yeah it's so awful.  For a while when we, it is so sad for while we lived in Jamaica  they had only become their own country.  I think in the  sixties, like just very recently. And England finally gave shit over to them, but they were like, okay, gotta run.

You figure it out.  They like, they didn't pass. There was no passing of the Baton. Like here's  how you run government, most countries have a learning curve,  yeah. To, to figuring shit out. They didn't have it.

It was just like they handed over the, everything to a country in turmoil because  you have the Arian. And that was a shock to me  cuz , my whole idea of Jamaica was. From,  cool. Runnings  yeah. Bob Marley, I was like, okay, there, this is gonna, like everybody's gonna be really cool. And there's an element to them because , they're an island country. So there's gonna always be that sort of Hey, just relax, take life slow persona, which was really nice.

 The Arian, they have some really interesting beliefs and I realized that the one love that Bob Marley likes to sing about was, because  my experience with Arian in Jamaica was that they're very angry specifically about colonization and they actually want to go, back to the Homeland, their Homeland is Ethiopia.

That's where Rossa, it's a really long name.  The king that was from Ethiopia that they believe was the reincarnation of Jesus. So they're like Christians in a roundabout way. Jesus has already come and died. And our whole focus now is just to go to Ethiopia, the Homeland, and they really dislike white people.

Now, again, I'm talking and colonizers.  which that fair  but they're very angry. And so almost every day in the news, there was like some sort of riot going on. Don't go down this road. And then there was like, actually whole areas of the city. If you're white, do not go out there because you're not coming back out.

And that was a really weird experience for me. Obviously nothing close to what, any,   minorities, would experience, but it was really eye opening to be like, don't go there because of your color. You could be murdered because of your color  .

It was eye opening  to have  my feet in those shoes. . And to be frightened,  to be afraid of people because of my color was was really scary actually. And heartbreaking   there's a lot of different people that live there, and in general,  they keep to their groups, , If they're Chinese, they all inter marry.

You're not gonna go reach out to another, race. , it's very unusual  to see mixed races of friends of marriages. It was it was, yeah, it was quite an experience living there. It was beautiful. We lived through a hurricane there too. Like we were there for five months, but we went through  a lot.

We lived in  outskirts , of Kingston.

And it was a gated community. Because there, you have some people that are, like better off, and then you have some people that are like living in the slums. And we lived in this gated community and there wasn't that many, expats there and in, at all.

And that was also interesting. I thought that there would be, like more of a, like an expat community, but no, because they're not so fond of white people  and they have really strict rules. Cause we went there to try to open an orphanage and we were, there was a Jamaican family that.

we were living with and  I was friends with the daughter and we didn't have enough Jamaican people to start it. The ratio was supposed to be like two to one or something like that.  We ended  up  having to give up, trying to do that 

 the island is also so small.  like any dealings that you have with the government. It's the same person  like when we used to go and get our visas, all the time, go on visa trips , there was always that, if , you might not get, the visa, you might not get to go back into the country.

But. You'll have different people that are gonna make that decision. Every time you go, there's gonna be somebody else. No, this is the same person  that gave pieces in Jamaica. And yeah, she was that's funny. she was not a happy person. Oh, very grumpy. So it was jarring to go back.

Like every time we tried to go and, do something with our visas, you're talking with the same person  so it's not , like I'm gonna go back and tomorrow it'll be somebody else. And maybe they'll be nice. No same person always





 You're saying your husband had some,

 They were worked on some nerve damage or their back or his back,  what was the treatments he was getting  they're gonna do the same thing to his back that they did to his neck. Okay. And that's radio frequency ablation. It's nerve ablation, basically just cauterizing it, but it's not really cauterizing it cuz they do it with radio frequencies somehow.

It's really weird. If you look it up, like the process on YouTube is oh my God, what is this? But he has to have two diagnostic pain block shots first. So we gotta drive all the way up there twice and  they shoot like a pain killer shot into the nerve.  That they're going to ablate.

And if it gives him relief, pain relief, then they go ahead and do it and they have to do that twice for each one. . So it's a lot of back and forth. And it's two hours. It's a two hour drive  yeah. It's two hours there and two hours back  So it's a big process, but The outcome of it will be absolutely. And totally worth it. , it's not complete pain relief. , though, they said 75% of people gets 75% of relief. he does still have headaches occasionally and things like that, but nothing like it was before it was debilitating before.

Absolutely.  He couldn't even do anything because at any moment he would have these headaches, it would just come on  like a migraine, but it would only last for 10, 15, 20 minutes. And then his eyes would water. His sinuses would roll and it would recede.

, he didn't even make the correlation between the eye water and the nose running. When we went into the pain doctor and he's like, so when you get these headaches, is it like this? And does your eye water? He's like, oh my God. Yes. Does your nose run that's from that too?  like all these things you just don't really realize are connected.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a lot of going back and forth and they have to do each one twice to make sure that it's effective  before they do the actual ablation and then he has to go back in every nine to 12 months and have it redone. Okay. Cause the nerves grow back. But once they've  pinpointed which nerves they're working on. So going back the nine month and the 12 month will be a little simpler cuz they'll be like, we know where we're going.  Yes. And we won't have to continue doing the diagnostic blocks for each time.

Okay. Since he is already had that, , it'll still be four trips a year up there minimum cuz they can't do 'em both at the same time. If they're do 'em both at the same time, your head just goes floppy because it doesn't know what's going on. It's to Mount major nerves cut. So they cut one and then they wait two, three weeks for the body to adjust and then they go and cut the other one.

ABL it. Yeah.  It's not a  perfect solution, but it's at least a solution to something that he's been dealing with for years.   Yeah, because his discs are all totally fucked. Yeah. There's osteophytes and there's compression and there's bulging and there's herniated. And it's just, you can't even, it's so much.

Yeah. Like even the doctors are like, holy crap, what did you do?  but he said a lot of it, he thinks comes from his dad when he would kick him around when he was little, cuz he'd curl up at a ball. Yeah. I know it makes me so sad. He's so sad that a child has to live with that forever and being pain for the rest of his life because some idiot father kicking him.

It's terrible.

It's not enough to just completely emotionally cripple a child. Exactly.   

Our younger generations are making a world? So much better than the ones we came from. And not just our cult world, but actual world, they're making such a better place of it. In a lot of ways. We've been there for a while.

Where knowing something like that about someone's past, you don't look down on them and, you're in awe of them. You're like inspired by them.   There was just like a lot of judgment, for quite a while. But like right now in the times that we're living in now, just even the last decade,  I feel it's different, you don't have as much judgment or looking down on as for a shattered past

Yeah. And the people that do haven't experienced anything like that and have no comprehension whatsoever. Yeah.  yeah. And it's like the thing I read the other day about addiction, if you don't understand it, don't speak on it. Yep.

 I read some, I think it was a comment on a Facebook thing actually. And somebody was explaining all this stuff that they've been through and the person was saying like look at it this way. You've had more practice or input and understanding than any doctor or psychologist or anybody else will ever have, because you've been there.

You've actually been there. Yeah. All they can do is look at the picture and just be like, okay this is what it looks like, but they don't know what it feels like. We do. We understand what it feels like. It's like the analogy of a flight simulator, having somebody that's been in a flight simulator or somebody that's actually flown, what are you gonna pick?

Yeah. Yeah. 100%. They might understand the mechanics of it and how it works and why everything is going on, but they don't actually know what it feels like to do it or to be there. Yeah. I was having a conversation  around that similar idea, not the same not the same situation on a, not addiction but trans people.

 There's been this whole scandal shit going on Twitter on, writers' Twitter, which because Lauren's my friend I'm mean there, I'm aware of the con things that go got. And so there's been like, there's these raging controversies and like things going on involving trans people.

 Because I have a trans child. So there's nothing that I hate more than, Reading people going on or having opinions or saying what about trans people in excuse me, are you trans like literally, if you are not trans shut the fuck up.  If you've never been in those shoes, shut the fuck up.

Now, if you have been great, you have your opinions, it can still be a shitty opinion, but you can have your opinions. Absolutely. Respectfully of anyone else, shut up. And it was really funny cuz even just last night I got a text from a friend and she was asking, she's what do you think about this Selena Gomez thing?

Because it's Nina, we GOs, right? She she was going for a little while by different pronouns. She was going by non binary pronouns, they them and now she's asked, to go by she pronouns  and there's just a lot of people having their opinions about therefore, obviously then everything you said before was insincere, obviously, like you did that for attention, yada yada

And and, and this person, my friend, who's such a beautiful soul. The first thing she did when she started thinking about it was reach out to somebody who has a trans, who, is trans or in, in her case has a trans child and say what do you what is your opinion on that?

And I'm like, ,  if they've not ever gone through that, shut the fuck up, and   we need to accept, just the way that sexuality is fluid. Oftentimes gender identity can be very fluid, too. . Seriously, do you feel the same about the world and yourself that you did when you were 20?

Tell me no, not either.  Like in a matter of a year or two, you can have a whole different perspective and how have a whole different identity and have a whole different, experience. That's, that is literally the human experience, right? Yep. Learning and changing and growing, changing the more fluid that is, it, that's a beautiful thing.

And I honestly think that's someone who's much more aware of who they are than someone who's wow. Yeah, I have been, or she, since I was born until therefore that's the only way to go. , there's a a lot of that. I hear a lot of that, where I live, cuz he is very conservative and I. , I don't think it's even probably safe for people to be gay around here.

Like  it's very racist and very, everything has to be black and white, boys married, boys, girls wearing girls. Yeah. And there's a lot of people that are like, my child went through a Tom boy phase and that doesn't mean that she's a boy and it's just okay, you clearly have no understanding of any of this at all.

Yeah. They just don't see the bigger picture. Oh  it's really strange. People, when they're in the army, when they're in the military, if they're a Sergeant in the military, then they answer to, Hey Sarge, , but once they get out of the army, they're not gonna ask everybody around them to please refer to them as Sarge.

Yeah. It's a little bit in that way.  Sometimes,  people go through those experiences where they're like, I really feel not as connected to my gender as right. I did before. Yeah, can I go by, they them  of course you can go by whatever you like, in my opinion, that's what I, that's what I told my youngest to like when, cause she was actually, she actually went through, a similar experience of am I trans or not?

And she was scared about, making it that change and telling me about it and what was gonna happen. And if I was gonna accept her and I was like, honey, wake up every single morning and tell me to call you a. A different pronoun. And I will, because that doesn't matter to me.

You're my child and that's who you are. Like, that's the identity.  that you're never gonna leave for me. You're gonna always be my daughter, my, my baby, not my daughter, my baby, my child, or my they them or my son or my right. My offspring. Wow.  Do whatever you like.

That's the only identity that I would ask you to please not walk away from. Yeah, exactly. Just don't understand me. Yeah, because even that technically they could walk away from that say, Hey, guess what? I'm not your child anymore. That would break my heart.

But honestly, that would also be their prerogative. That would be their prerogative, yeah. Sometimes you have to do that. . I don't have any relationship with my father at all. Yeah. Huh. Because. He, she just owned me on Facebook. Like what the fuck

dude this isn't the Facebook official area you're supposed to be in.

Just didn't make sense.  You want me to come to Idaho to live here where your ancestors lived or whatever. And to be his employee technically. Yeah. And here I come, and then you don't like the way that things are done. And now you're gonna just disowned me because I don't wanna live in your little shitty house.

Go the fuck.   I still, I can't believe that. Any father would disown a child over some fucking dirt and sticks.  Are you really serious right now? You're gonna totally disown me. Of course. He's sorry. Now I'm like, that doesn't, you can't take back what you did. No, you disowned me publicly.

Yeah. You can't take that back. If you would've just come to me and said, I disowned you whatever. And then come back a couple weeks later and been like, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That would've been a different story, but you didn't. Yeah. You publicly did it. And not only that, but you went around and talked to all your friends about what a shitty person I am.

It's like, why would you do that to your fucking daughter? He even tried to get me fired. Yeah. He started writing the cafe messages like, oh, do you know that your employee this and that? And blah, blah, blah. And just like stupid shit. Trying to get me fired. Wow. And they were like, Don't ever fucking come in here or talk to us again.

We, you have no right to treat our employees like that. And please don't message us again, or we'll get a restraining order. And I said the same thing to him. If you message me again, I'm gonna get a restraining order. Cause I'm so tired of this fucking bullshit.

And that's a lot of audacity. I got an email a few years ago, right around Christmas. All it said is, I'm sorry, you don't have to answer this email. That was literally it. Oh, that was the apology. Yeah. I'm like I'm not gonna fucking answer until you get up with something better than that. Seriously.

You can't just fucking say I'm sorry in the what? No, yeah. It's not happening.  yeah. One of my fathers is cuz I have two, I have my biological father and I have my my stepfather. , the only father that I knew as far as identity goes but  my biological father  walked away from me three times in my life.

Very pivotal times. Obviously like when, the cult asked my mom and him to split up and he walked away from me at that time, okay. I'll keep one, you keep the other we're not puppies. This is not how that works.  But that's how he treated it and walked away and just went on and his lived his life.

And then after birthing , eight children. And seeing the shit that the cult was doing. Like at least he had that presence in mind, him and his wife, they were both like this is ridiculous. We are leaving

And it was right around the time that, that, I was, seven, eight and shit started, getting really ugly for me, but he was going to make sure he saved the children that he was with and left. if you are saving a child from a life, from a cult, why would you say I'm gonna take you because I, I wanna protect you, but, oh good luck you guys, obviously I didn't even know about him or that had happened until, I got back in touch with him as an adult.

And that was earth shattering to find that out. And then we started a relationship  here  he, came and saw the kids, for a moment, the kids actually had a grandparent because they don't have any other grandparents. And for a moment they did.

And then, he started going through whatever he started going through and, decided to walk away from me and my kids. I don't think that this is the reason it can't possibly be the reason, but the last time I actually spoke to him was when I was going through the divorce with Daniel and I had to get out of the house because I was actually being abused.

And I couldn't. On my credit alone, because I didn't really have any and the ones that I did, like my ex trashed. Cuz it was a joint credit, so I need someone to help co-sign my lease. And obviously the first person you're gonna call is, like the father that I have in my life right now.

And he had his opinion. He's like, you know, divorce is not of God. And I'm like, really you married four times. Like really? But but for whatever reason, he projected whatever shit he was going through to me. And and I said, to him, I was like, look, it's okay if you say no, like I understand, like this is a favor I'm asking you and it's okay if you say no, it's not gonna change my relationship with you.

And he said, yeah  because he said, what is it? Okay. What would happen if I said no, is it okay if I said no? And I was like, yeah, of course. And he is okay, I'll think about it. And that was the last time I heard it from him. That was it. That was the last time I heard from him.  so literally three different times.

He like walked away from me in a very different, a very dangerous situation. No, I don't wanna help get you out of that, horrific situation that you're in. It was, it that really just that was a heartbreak that took me a while to to let go of, because why would you get back in touch with me?

Why would you try and start a relationship with me and bring me and my kids to a place where I loved you

and then just decide to say goodbye one day. I don't know if it was cuz I asked him for help, but.

And so now his opinion is if you want a relationship with me, it's your job. It's your job to reach out.

And it's weird cuz I see my siblings  that I'm close to. Now that I, especially one of my sisters I'm just like, we're like heart bound, so I see them, father's day messages and

   It's like  watching an ex that you actually still love. , fall in love with and marry someone else.

Your best friend. Somebody that you still love and keep in contact with. That's what it feels like. Cause yeah, I said that was a heartache that I've had a hard time getting over, but obviously still not like my hands  I'm traveling. Yeah. I don't, I really don't understand that concept of how parents can do that.

Like I just don't understand. I don't either. I could never do that. I know. Like I don't get that seems especially males have that attitude, just like whatever.  Not more  when his son didn't talk to him, he was crying all the time.  no, I know. And not only that, but like all this shit that his son did.

He, his son did some really shitty things yeah. To his current family, to you and your child. Yeah.

I know though that he doesn't, he didn't disown him for that. Nope. No, he still loves him. Yeah, exactly. Like he would talk to him probably every day still. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if he was in, if he was in a dangerous situation and needed help, he'd be there. Tim would jump immediately. He would probably drive out and go right away.

Exactly. Of course. Cuz it's your kid? Same with the Kayla. I guess some guys got it. And some guys don't  yeah. Yep. He loves his kids so much and he accepts them no matter what too. Exactly.

 I kept telling Mikayla, I wish I was gay.

just, cuz I know how shitty dudes can be. I mean, Girls can be shitty too, but you have, I think less of a chance when you're dating a woman of them being really shitty to you than you do have a guy being really shitty to you when you're dating that. Yeah. Yeah. It's how much more would you expect to get, assaulted  yeah.

By men than you would by a woman. So that's there are definitely shitty awful women. Yes. , how many women serial killer have there been like three in all of history. Very few. Something like that. And I know one of them was that that, that woman who like every man, every male human that she ever came across in her life.

abusing him, molested her from the time she was a, like a baby. Yeah. So she got to one point where she was like, fuck this shit. Yeah.  and started I'm it's obviously murder is always a crime and always awful and terrible. But at the same time, like there's an element of understanding of yeah, I can't, I haven't thought about it.

Yeah, exactly. Can't say I haven't thought about it. And I don't entertain the thoughts, but they do come popping along. Definitely. And I, and if I was ever in a situation where I was having to sell my body to awful people, because anyone who, you know to, to awful people I probably would entertain those thoughts a lot.

yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, for sure. And it's funny cuz I'm I am a very empathetic person. We are,  can step into almost anyone's shoes. Yes. Except that one. Yes. Yeah. And that's where that's okay. Even like the whole, you know, Trumpism, as the Trumpsters like I have siblings that are like that.

I don't agree with it. I don't agree with them, their opinions. But I can still put myself in their shoes and have a certain understanding of why they, think the way that they do or believe what they do, . Which is so  so opposite, just so far away from  who I am and who I wanna be, but I can still understand that, but just, but not that, but not a hate for your own children.

No. Or not even just a hate, but  what's the word for it? When you don't like care, like you literally don't care one way or another.  The opposite of love,  when you're dead inside, basically. Yeah.  just, nothing really turns you on or off or just blah, except for killing ha . But most males that were C killers were abused too. So that makes a lot of abusive mothers.

Or at least mothers that didn't protect them or that.

 It must be a really powerful experience that your husband is having right now because it's not just physical. It's not just,  an alleviation of a physical pain, but if that's what it's connected to, which obviously is imagine like having the relief from that too.

Yeah.  If I was disabled because a parent, decided to, to chop off my feet that's something that no matter what, every time you are debilitated by that disability.  It's gonna go back to that. This was done to me, by someone that was supposed to love me.

Yeah. So to be in a space where he can actually not be in pain from that is, is probably emotionally a relief. Yeah. And so now so now that he's gonna have this done, cause that's gonna change a lot of things in your life too, obviously. Yeah. Cuz you've had to be in general to everything you've had to, you've had to even physically you've had to carry your family.

Because of that,  that's the reality of  when you have a,  disabled, spouse or child, yeah. That's the reality that's part of loving them is what exactly is what you do. But now without pain, like there's gonna be a different, there's gonna be a shift. There's gonna be a, definitely a different difference in your family life. The thing that really changed my feelings about how stacked the world is against, people that  live in poverty is when I,  when I got on my own and I was actually making the financial decisions and all that kind of stuff.  And coming into the realization  of just how stacked the world is against, people that  live in poverty or   even just, the lower middle class.

Yeah. Like it's stacked against you, especially  any debt to like credit cards and shit like that.  Give a rich person, 0% APR or 1% APR, but you who are poor and barely making ends meet and need alone. Oh, I'm gonna give you 27% APR 29% or whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah.  Yeah. It's very depressing and it's almost impossible to get out of it.

I have five jobs. I'm trying to do all this crazy stuff, sell jewelry and sell sense. And  have a listening service and do a podcast and also work 50 hours a week at the restaurant just because I'm trying to support my fucking family. 

 And the mentality of people that have never lived in poverty is just mind blowing , and we're seeing it so much more now because of COVID right?

 You can go on any social media and you're like you're gonna face it almost every single time. Some shitty fucking opinion of  why won't people just take the jobs. Like everyone says, there's no good jobs, but there's just jobs everywhere.

Yeah, but no, one's fucking paying you worth what you, what worth what you are.  They don't understand poverty because they've never been poor   and then they're like, oh that's, people think oh, that's just because my parents make good decisions and yours. Didn't like, what the fuck? How CA how is that my fault?  Not just. Yeah but that's like exponentially not true also.

Yeah.  Did we have that conversation about, I feel like we had, maybe we had that conversation about mental health. It was about mental health, but it applies to this situation too. If you are privileged in any way, the choices you have are like quadruple the choices a poor person has.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's so easy for you to come along who has never, ever had to worry where your next meal is gonna come from. Has never had to worry about that to come along and say you need to make better decisions. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. You have no idea. You literally had 50 decisions to my two.

I always think that when I see people like on America's got talent yes. There's 12 year, 13 year old singing, and then it shows them in their house and it's this huge trucking mansion. And you're like no wonder. You've probably had singing lessons since you were like four. Oh my God.

Because your parents could afford to pay for that shit.   Privilege just goes on and carries on to more privilege and more privilege. It's even the people like, oh, I'm a lawyer. How could you afford to go to law school? Oh, my, I lived with my parents and they paid for it.

Okay. Great. See you didn't oh, no, I worked my way. I've done all of this. All my, all the fuck. You have no idea. No clue. Yeah. We have, there's  even some ex members who have that opinion. Oh yeah.  The leadership kids. Yeah.   I have some ex ex in-laws that.

We'll say, oh, everything that we did on our own. When they left, they walked into a, an extremely wealthy family their grandparents and aunts and uncles were bizarrely wealthy, like own gas stations and businesses, and like extremely wealthy. So yes if you  walk away from a life that we did with nothing but your uncle owns six businesses that he can put you into, oh, you okay. You can be the manager of my gas station. Oh, everything, myself. Like I know that you did work hard. The work ethic and the decisions that we make and the things that we face thousand percent, we can't sit there and say, yeah, I had no help.

I did it on my own. You cannot say that you did not. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You did not start by yourself in a city where you knew nobody tried to find a job yeah. Where you're sitting. Yes. Circling the classifieds, if you, yes. That  yeah. That no idea. That was a big shock to me too. When I first came here and I started learning, like the whole, the way things work, because I, I've always been in awe of people, like people that have talent and when you see athletes, when you see these incredible, sports  players a lot of them granted there, there are some that were like, somebody came along and watched you.

Playing, out in the sticks and was like, oh my God, this kid's got talent. I'm taking him with me a thousand percent. You have that. But for any child to get into any type of program that will hone their challenge, you need money. You can't send a kid to dance school.

Sorry to me. You can't send this kid to dance school for 10 years. And then the kid walks out and says I have much more to than this guy over here. Yeah. You had 10 years of study that person was not privileged to have. Yeah. So there's a lot of people out there, a lot of people that have this incredible talent that had the support to, to follow it that had the support to, to go after their dreams.

so I, I feel like I'm privileged because my mom helped me. I wouldn't have a house if I didn't, my mom hadn't helped me. I don't even know where I would be.  Yeah. No, she would not have worked out, as well for me. Yeah. If I didn't have help from my mom and and even us like coming yes.

Okay. So we landed, we literally started our life with $200, but my grandparents rest in peace.  my grandparents paid for our tickets to come here. Like we would never have gotten, we would've never even been able to leave the country that we did if it wasn't for that help. Yeah. So I'm never gonna stand there and say I did this on my own.

Never.

So yeah.  some people just don't acknowledge that they've had help from others.  I wish more people would acknowledge that because I think it would also shift the outlook of the world.

It would shift your entirely. Talk about attitude, adjustment when you really start acknowledging, the people in your life, , and the situations in your life that have supported you. Like you go back into that understanding of we don't get anywhere without a tribe, yes. You don't get anywhere without a tribe, no matter who you're you had support in your life, someone in some fucking way. Yes. Yeah. Even if you're just bartering berries with a farmer for bread, you're still getting support. People are, oh no, I live on my own. Okay. I'm sure you still have people that support you though.

Some people just don't like to acknowledge that. Yep. It's too hard to say yes. I've had help. Cause they're like, Nope. I did all by myself.  The perseverance that it takes  to come out of a cult or a high coercion, a high control situation and build a life for yourself.

 Yeah. It's really hard. And the statistics of those who were not able to do it  are very high. Yeah. I Not just suicides, but people that just totally lost it and ended up in the crazy house. That's what my psychiatrist says to me. She's technically you should be a drooling blob in the corner.

Not able to even form a sentence. She said, because of the abuse you suffered, you shouldn't even be able to talk.  They can't figure out how we could be so resilient and how we were able to come out of. Like the whole Eric Ericksons stages of development, we had zero, 

zero of that. . no connections that people are supposed to make in their childhood in life. Yeah. And we had to go and do all that afterwards when we're adults. Yeah. As single parents. And even if it wasn't a  parent, it's still, it's equally as hard, maybe harder, cuz you don't really have something that you're like I have to have a life for my child.

Honestly, if I didn't have a child, I don't think I'd be alive. I don't. Yeah. I, yeah. I wouldn't, I know that cause I don't think, I would've felt like I had to provide for anybody. I probably just would've totally went off the deep end. Yeah. I already did, a bunch of drugs and random promiscuous sex and bar hopping.

And like I did all that stuff and if I didn't have a kid, I really don't think I would survive. Yeah. Come outta thousand either that, or I'd be, a crack head prostitute on the street right now. Like literally.  Yeah, ,   it takes a lot of persevered. So anybody that has rebuilt their life be proud of yourself.

Oh my God. Be so proud. No matter where you are right now, even if you're unable to operate or whatever, just know that you've come so far and it's a great accomplishment. Absolutely so much. Yeah. And I had you, that was that's part of the, that's a huge part. Reason why I'm functioning is I had you.

Yes. Yeah. For real it's is important to have somebody that you can go to. Yeah. Someone that really genuine lo loves. I tell, I always tell my boss, if my friend if whisper calls me, I'm answering, I don't care what's going on.

yeah. Cause I'm like, I have a few friends that are suicidal. So if they call me, I'm answering the phone, I don't give a fuck.  yeah. I don't give a fuck about anything else. If my phone rings, I'm answering it because I know that, that could be them on the edge right there. Yeah. And I'm not gonna ignore that.

You're beautiful. You got such a beautiful art you mind, so you

 Stay brave  and remember that every butterfly was once a caterpillar. Yep. Yeah. And caterpillars don't always make it, so  that's right.

That's right.